Penni's Coma
by Jessamyn Dreamer
Summary: As Penni Noel St. James, musical sorceress, lies in a coma, her best friend Connor tells her about the world outside her unconscious darkness. AC, AU.
1. Connor

Penni's Coma

((A/N: Penni is Wesley's God daughter. She lives with her fifteen year old brother, Jeremiah, and their baby sister, Kelli. Kelli has very, very strange powers. No one's sure quite how, but when she claps her hands, things happen. Just the way she wants them to. Right then. People show up at her door after spending fifteen minutes getting there. People who wouldn't have even left, fifteen minutes ago, had she not clapped, fifteen minutes _later_. BTW, I can not be held responsible for Kelli or her powers, as she and Jeremiah are my sister's characters.))

* * *

"Can you hear me, Penni?

"I miss you- I mean, we all do, everybody has visited you. You have get well cards from almost everyone at the firm. Flowers from Fred, to brighten up the room, animé posters from Jeremiah, which he _swears_ are necessary to life, and music plays in here almost all the time, because Lorne felt that no one -you least of all- should have to live without music."

Silently, he added his own uncertain contribution. He wasn't sure why he'd chosen this. He would have liked to find something perfect, personalized, just right. That would have been good. Connor jerked himself back to real life, where every gift he thought of was given by someone else, and he'd eventually brought her something she already owned. Gently, he took Penni's hand and sprayed a bit of his gift: her favorite perfume. Avon's 'Splendour'. (A/N: Yes, that's my favorite, too, if you were wondering...) She'd always said that it made her feel safe and happy... He hoped that might still work.

"Can you smell that, Penni?" He smiled a little then, wondering if he really was crazy. "Never mind, no more yes or no questions. They're, ah, a bit depressing." He thought for a moment, then changed the topic back. Back to other people, which, Connor thought, was probably just as well.

"Dad does all he can, for you, Wesley, Jeremiah... He misses you, he really does. I think he misses you as much as I do. We all do; of course, It's hard for everybody without you. I mean, you've become invaluable to everyone at Wolfram and Hart, and Jeremiah can't cover for you: he tries to do your work as well as his own, and every time I see him, I am reminded how much he's suffering without you... He doesn't talk so much anymore... I actually miss it. He and Kelly are staying with me and Dad now, and Kelly's turned into a bit of a mascot around Dad's office."

He laughed weakly, then sighed.

"But they still miss you. No one can take your place; Jeremiah's running himself ragged, and your Godfather barely eats... Even Kelly knows something's wrong, and she cries more. She claps all the time, but not happily, like before. She always looks like something should change, that you should come back, just because she claps." He shook his head, "That doesn't really make sense, but nothing does.

"Especially now.

"Especially when murderers and vampires roam freely, but an innocent girl is lying in a coma." He hesitated, unsure what else he could say. What, that is, other than what he truly wanted to say. What he came here to say. He took a deep breath, exhaled slowly.

"I miss you, Penni. I miss you so much. I look for you sometimes, forgetting you're not there. When anything out of the ordinary happens, when the weather changes, I try to guess what song you're singing, before I remember that you couldn't be.

"Everything seems so quiet and empty without you, and for the first time since I met you, I feel detached from the world, as if my last tie to life were lying in this hospital. I don't want much in life, Penni. I'm not sure how much I even want life. But I want you. I miss you so much, Penni. I miss you so much it feels like dying." He touched her cheek, held her left hand in both of his.

"I love you."

* * *

((Yep, that was it. Hopelessly romantic, I know... Please review: Easy on the flaming.)) 


	2. Penni

Penni's Coma

(Penni)

Random musings by Penni, inside the darkness.

Disclaimer: Of course I own everything. I'm offended that you doubt me. Hang on a second, Shouts "JOSS WHEDON! Get back in your cage, I'm trying to convince people that I own your stuff!"

Looks around "Heh, heh… Oh well…

Fine, I don't own any of it. Okay? FINE!"

_I've always liked darkness. Even when I was little, and scared of the dark, it held a certain charm for me. As I grew older, the darkness became- if not a friend- certainly a companion I anticipated with pleasure. Rain and snow and darkness. I loved them all._

_But_

_There comes a time, when there is too much darkness. When the night has lasted too long. When you wish that, if you're going to be surrounded by night, that it could feel like night, with wind and stars and moonlight…But none of that was there. So this isn't night._

_I finally really realized that this day. This night. This week, month, year, minute, second, I don't know. I can't tell anymore when or where I am. I don't remember what happened, barely remember coming here- Where is_ _here- I just know that, for the first time in my life- what is_ _life- I am tired of the darkness. _

_People come into light beyond the darkness, voices, trying to comfort me. Trying, I think through the haze, to comfort themselves. I hope it works, but I can barely hear them. It's like being almost asleep and trying to stay awake, trying to convince yourself, you're not asleep. The muddle of sounds, sounds, only sounds, I can feel nothing else. Sight? There is nothing to see but darkness. Smell? I am surrounded by a sterile cold world where little can be smelled and nothing is worth it. Touch? I feel nothing but cold. Taste? My mouth is dry and choking, but I taste nothing. _

_So Sound becomes my world, and I hear, or I try to. The sounds are muddled, confusing, bits and snatches of kind voices that I can't follow. The voices talk, but I can't understand them. It doesn't matter: It means so much that they're there. Someone- does this world have people- comes and talks, the blurry speech I'm becoming used to. Another comes, and speaks to the first. They come. They go. They come back. Or someone else comes back. I can't tell, and I find it difficult to care. _

_If I care, I think. _

_If I think I start to panic._

_When I panic, I can't breath, and alarms go off, and people come, and they are so loud and I get even more panicky and I can't rest until I sleep. Or sink deeper into the darkness, I suppose, since I can't exactly sleep, and I can't exactly wake up._

_So I don't think, and I don't care._

_Another voice comes, & I know this voice: Jeremiah, my not so little brother, with our baby sister, Kelli. I am happy at the sound of their innocent laughter. _

_They talk, _

_They laugh. _

_They grow slowly quieter._

_Finally, They stop talking, but I feel them near. _

_I retreat to the quiet darkness, half asleep, half awake. Half awake, half… not. Unable to speak, I pray. _

_God help me._

_God hold me._

_God save me._

_God love me._

_Hold my family._

_Hold my friends._

_Bring me home._

_Bring me peace._

_Dona nobis pacem. _

_Give us peace._

_And I sing, in my mind, in my heart._

_Dona nobis, pacem, pacem. Dona nobis pacem_

_More voices come, and go, and come. Jer is awake, Jer is asleep, awake, asleep. Kelli is laughing, Kelli is crying, Kelli's is asleep. Kelli sleeps while Jer talks, Jeremiah is asleep while Kelli is decidedly not._

_Another voice comes. Cheerful to the point of pain. _

_Cheering Kelli._

_Cheering Jer._

_Clicking, clacking, nervous crashing noises. And there is music. Glory be to God, there is music._

_I can hear music, and I feel more peace. Not much more, but more, is more, is more. Thank You for the music._

_Voices come and go, Jeremiah and Kelli leave._

_They must need sleep, the can't stay here: it's dark here. What am I talking about, I ask, and I don't know I answer._

_Hours of silence pass. _

_Hours upon hours._

_Hours, hours and hours, and a dim part of my mind says that night must have come._

_More hours pass, and an ironic part of my mind says that night has to have passed by now. _

_Then a few more intolerably long hours pass._

_The last bit of logic in my brain tells me, that there aren't that many hours in a night, and so my sense of time must be off._

_So they only seem like hours._

_Very long hours._

_This train of thought gets me through another few theoretical hours._

_I hear noises, and decide that the theoretical hours of theoretical night have finally given way to theoretical hours of theoretical day. _

_Brusque people come in, efficiently making me uncomfortable._

_Jeremiah comes back. Kelli comes back._

_Then more comforting voices coming and going, and cycle continues. I begin to mentally use words that I didn't know I knew on the subject of déjà vu._

_A knock- is there a door- and Jeremiah invites in another voice. The voice comes in. The voice speaks. I expect there to be clicking people and alarms soon, because I think my heart just stopped._

_Conner._

_He's here. I'm crying inside- is there an outside- though I can't feel it._

_Jeremiah talks softly. Conner speaks softly back. Jeremiah says something- why can't I hear what is said- and then Jeremiah leaves. Kelli leaves._

_It's just me._

_And Conner._

_And the darkness._

_And Conner speaks._

"Can you hear me, Penni?"

_Of course I can! I say it. I try to say it. I can't: no sound comes, and I want to cry. I try and try and try, try so hard to talk, to say something. He sounds so sad, and all I want to do is make him happy. To give him peace. I give up- it takes all my energy to focus on the words. But there are no words. He's not talking, I can't stand it, I almost scream, but I can't._

_Then I sense something. A scent, something that doesn't smell like soap and alcohol and refrigerated air. Splendour? My mother's perfume? She wore that all the time, whenever she went to a party, or to church. She let me borrow it, sometimes on special occasions, or when I was crying and needed something to go with her hug, or just when I was going to be away from home, and wanted to take her scent with me._

_It was my favorite, and it always made me feel safe. Like she was holding me all the time whenever I wore it… and when she- when she died, it was the closest I could come to feeling that embrace again._

_I breathe as deeply as I can. And there's that safe feeling again. Like Mum is holding me one more time. And somehow, I don't feel sad. I know where she is. And now, it's like she's here, giving me strength._

_I try to concentrate on Conner's words._

"I don't even know how much I want life."

_It's all right, Conner, don't be afraid, and don't give up. I feel furious at my inability to communicate. You're stronger than this, Conner. If I could sigh, I would. **I'm **stronger than this. I can, I should be better than this- **What **did he say!_

"I miss you so much, Penni. I miss you so much it feels like dying."

_I miss you, too._

"I love you."

_I love you. Oh, Conner, I wish I could tell you how I love you!_

_I cry._

I cry.

I open my eyes.

Hapilly ever after draws near.


End file.
